


Memories

by LadyinTime



Category: Big Bang (Band), GTOP (Band), K-pop
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-01 17:56:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6530146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyinTime/pseuds/LadyinTime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"T.O.P. A name they called him, a name he had no connection to. When he had first learned that it was what he went by he didn’t believe them. He didn’t understand why he would use a stage name instead of his own, a name his mother gave him. T.O.P was the name of their friend, their companion. Seunghyun wasn't that friend anymore."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Loss

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my newest story. I hope you enjoy the first chapter. 
> 
> As the story continues please be mindful of the dates at the beginning of each chapter. There will be some chapters that take place in 2014, important chapters that give more background then in the original story line. 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think :)

**September 9, 2015**

It was hard waking up to a place you had no recollection of, a place that held no value or memory. It was what he felt every morning as he was gently shaken awake by the force of a man with a face he strained not to forget. It was a fruitless strain, however. He never remembered.

“T.O.P-hyung, time to wake up. Are you going to want to eat something?”

T.O.P. A name they called him, a name he had no connection to. When he had first learned that it was what he went by he didn’t believe him. He didn’t understand why he would use a stage name instead of his own, a name his mother gave him. T.O.P was the name of their friend, their companion. Seunghyun wasn’t that friend anymore.

He smiled up at the man with sparkling brown eyes and silver hair. He had scared him at first, when he first met him (or was re-introduced). The boy appearance seemed more welcoming than everyone else but his personality was strong. “I am hungry, but I think I’ll take a shower first.”

The boy frowned at his response but he brushed him aside. He didn’t want to mingle with the crowed of people he knew would be downstairs when they went to get breakfast. He didn’t want to see that man yet; he wasn’t mentally prepared.

“Are you sure? Do you need help; I can get Youn-”

His chuckle cut him off and his smile grew strained. This is what he hated most about the whole situation, the constant care. The constant worry, the looks of doubt and pity. A look much like the one the boy was giving him now. “Look, -”

“Seungri.”

“Right, Seungri- I’m fine. I just want to take a nice hot shower. I’m not injured, I can handle myself.” He almost felt bad for snapping at the boy when the look of rejection came across. The boy quickly pushed the look down and placed his hand behind his head to scratch his head. Seunghyun had seen that stance often after meeting him. He did it all the time, like he wasn’t comfortable. Seunghyun wasn’t comfortable either.

Standing from the bed, he ignored Seungri’s gaze as he moved to pull out a fresh pair of clothes from his dresser before moving into the bathroom. He sighed a deep breath as the door shut behind him. Bath time was the only time he felt okay with what was going on, he felt okay with not knowing who he was. He didn’t feel the need to remember the things he had forgotten. The water washed him clean.

\---

Sitting at the kitchen table staring at the food placed in front of her was as uncomfortable as Seungri waking him up every morning. He could feel eyes on him as he moved to grab his glass of water from the table. Every time he looked up from his meal the others would look away, as though they were ashamed to be caught staring at the stranger sitting at the kitchen table. It annoyed him to no end. If they were too ashamed to be caught they should be to ashamed to do it.

“How was your sleep last night Seunghyun-hyung?”

It was the first voice to break through the silence since he first sat down. It was the voice of a friend, no. It was more than the tone of a friend. It was a voice he felt he could trust.

Seunghyun lifted his gaze to meet the brunette man sitting at the other end of the table. D-something was his name. While the brunette was able to maintain a small smile on his face as he awaited his answer, Seunghyun struggled to keep his. His sleep had been surrounded by voices he didn’t recognize and faces of strangers. His sleep was terrible and he felt so restless that the smallest sounds woke him. By the time deep slumber took over his conscious it was time to wake up, but Seunghyun would lie. It seemed to be all he ever did now. “It was good. I didn’t have any dreams last night.”

“You’re lying.”

He froze as he turned to the voice. The man with piercing light brown eyes, eyes more intense than Seungri, was staring at him with narrow eyes. This was the man who broke his heart every time he saw the hurt in his eyes caused by the lack of memory. Seunghyun hated it. How was it possible to hurt over a man you don’t even recognize?

“Jiyong, don’t call him a liar.” Taeyang chided.

But he was. He was the biggest liar in the world because he lied to them every tingle day. He lied to Taeyang, Seungri, Daesung and Jiyong by pretending to care about the man they once knew. He lied to the fans who followed his Instagram, the fans that read the articles about him and he lied to Choo Sung Hoon. Sure, he wanted his old life, he wanted to wake up everyday and remember his friends, but at the same time he didn’t. He didn’t care about his past. He didn’t care that he was a celebrity. He might never remember anyway.

“But he is lying. He has a habit when he lies, memories or not. Plus, I heard him screaming in his sleep last night.”

Seunghyun clenched his teeth. His eyes remained focused on the other man until shame washed over him. The man knew him too well, some of his old traits remained even with the memory loss. He lowered his eyes back down to his plate and clasped his hands on his lap.

“Hyung, leave him alone. If he doesn’t want to tell us about his dream, then he shouldn’t have too.” Daesung was an angel in disguise.

He didn’t know how close the two were before he lost his memories but he knew they were close. The younger man would always stick up for him no matter the situation, he had noticed, and Seunghyun always felt compelled to do the same. He would have looked up to smile in appreciation at the always smiling boy but didn’t. He didn’t want to look up with four sets of eyes gazing at him.

“Fine. You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to.”

Seunghyun listened as a chair was pushed from under the kitchen table and footsteps sound until they were no longer close enough to hear. The man was disappointed. His voice lowered when he had spoken and Seunghyun felt his heart clench in chest. It seemed all he ever did was disappoint them.

“I better go with him.” Seungri followed him out.

Seunghyun held a flinch as a hand landed on his shoulder. He looked up to find Taeyang smiling in attempt to comfort. It didn’t do much. “Don’t worry about him. He’ll come around.”

He was lying. Something was different about Jiyong when compared to the others. The others were affected by his memory loss, they wanted their friend back, they were hurt that he lacked memories of the time they spent together. Jiyong cared just a little more than that. He cared to the point of crying in Taeyang and Seungri’s arms at night when he thought Daesung had him preoccupied. They had a connection that was no longer theirs. Seunghyun strained a smile. “I’m fine.”

Taeyang released his grip on his shoulder and took a few more bites of his meal before pushing his plate away. He didn’t eat much, only a spoonful was gone. It seemed as though no one had an appetite. Seunghyun hadn’t seen them finish a meal since his accident, he hadn’t finished one either.

“T.O.P-hyung, you have a photo-shoot to go to in a few minutes. Are you going to be up for going or are we going to have to make an excuse?” Seungri joked as he came back into the kitchen, Jiyong was no where to be found.

Excuse? They didn’t need an excuse. Just telling the crowed, his fans, the photographers, and everyone else the truth would get him out of everything. He didn’t understand why they wanted him to keep up the facade of a celebrity when he wasn’t. He wasn’t T.O.P. He didn’t understand why he was forced to learn all of their songs and the choreography that went along with it so that he could act as though everything was okay.

Seunghyun forced a chuckle with the rest. It wasn’t funny but he wouldn’t let them know that. He didn’t want to go to the shoot either but he would anyway. He disappointed them enough. “I’ll go, just let me get ready.”

He was the first out of the kitchen, he could practically feel the worried stares from his friends. Seunghyun released a breath as he ran up the stairs to get to his room. He felt relief as he closed the door to his bedroom, being by himself. The others did their best to make him comfortable but they failed, miserable.

There was a small knock on his door. “Hyung, we’re leaving in less than 5 minutes or you’re going to be late.”

Seunghyun froze at the voice. Just on the other side of the door was Jiyong. He was grateful for the door separating them. He had done well in avoiding being left alone with the other man.

Another knock at the door, “can you hear me?”

He felt the doorknob jingle and he moved to lock it. He panicked. He didn’t want to other to know he was avoiding him while he was actively avoiding him. Seunghyun cleared his throat. “Okay, I’ll be down in a bit.”

His voice cracked at his reply and he rested his head against the door. He could hear the soft murmur of Jiyong talking to himself before he heard the creak of the stairs.

He hated this and his head ached as he hit it against the door in frustration. He didn’t want to do this anymore. He didn’t want to disappoint them, he didn’t want to go to the photo-shoot, and he didn’t want to be T.O.P. He just wanted to simply be Seunghyun, why wouldn’t they allow that?


	2. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to be mindful of the dates at the beginning of each chapter.

**August 30, 2015**

“Good show T.O.P!” Seungri high fived Seunghyun as he made his way off of the ladder with sweat dripping down his face. He had just finished preforming High High with GD and the heat from the stage lights were finally starting to take affect.

“Yah! Where’s the ‘hyung?’ I’m still older!”

Seungri let out a mischievous laugh and he instantly knew what was coming next. “That’s what I said, T.O.P-hyung! The music is just too loud; you didn’t hear me.”

He laughed at the younger boy as they passed, Seungri heading to the stage for his solo performance and Seunghyun heading to get some water in their dressing room. He smiled as he saw Jiyong waiting for him with a water bottle already opened in his hand. He finished half in one swig.

Seunghyun turned to say something to the shirtless Youngbae exercising in the corner but the cries of screaming fans cut him off. They were so loud, Seungri was such a crowed pleaser. He couldn’t even remember what the youngest was preforming. Seunghyun laughed at the sound and took another sip of his water as cordi-noona whipped the seat off of his face and neck. His eyes fell back on Youngbae. “Bae, your muscles are going to explode of you keep doing pushups.”

He was anxious, they all knew. They all felt the rush before preforming their songs, it’s a feeling that kept them humble. Daesung laughed as the stage manager pulled him out of the room for standby. Since they were in China he was excited to preform a joint song with Seungri, it was a treat for their Chinese fans. Japanese V.I.P’s loved the smiling angel dearly.

His eyes watched as Jiyong went to take a break on the couch and Seunghyun followed after, both sitting abnormally close to each other as Taeyang moved to put an open jacket over his bare chest. The next time they took the stage together was for Bad Boy.

They watched with grins on their faces and amusement in their eyes as Taeyang jumped around like an anxious rabbit. He wouldn’t sit still, he couldn’t. If Seunghyun wasn’t so tired from their last performance, he knew he would be jumping around with him.

“Hyung, are you okay? You’re normally out there dancing to the music while the others preform.” Jiyong sounded worried and Seunghyun smiled at the realization.

Of course Jiyong was worried about him. He was tired, more so than normal. Though he might have been older then the rest he was also a little more hyper when it came to music. Filming his new movie had taken more out of him then it should have. Thankfully filming wrapped up earlier that month and he was slowly catching up on his rest. He was looking forward to the end of the tour so that he could finally take a break. “I’m good. I must have danced too hard during that last song, I’m beat.”

“That’s cause you’re getting old.” Taeyang laughed as he left the room. He was probably going to watch the rest of Seungri and Daesung’s performance.

The two remaining members settled in silence, their gazes on one another as the stared into each others eyes. “You know it’s almost been two years. Perfect day for early celebration”

He thought the whispered remark was as adorable as the charming smile on Jiyong’s face. Two long years since they became an official couple. They had decided to keep it a secret from the company though the company was aware that there was something going on between the two, they just didn’t know to what extent that something went.

“Oppa, it’s time to go on stage.”

It was a new voice. He turned to the door to see a recent woman standing there. A blush covered her face and she turned away as their eyes connected. It was always easy to tell new staff from old staff. While the new staff blushed like school girls, old staff kept eye contact. He stood from his comfortable position on the couch and grinned at the girl. Jiyong stood shortly after.

“Thanks, we’re coming.” Jiyong sent a smile to the girl as he moved to get his jacket from the back of a chair and Seunghyun followed him out.

Standing on stage was an exhilarating experience, one he never wanted to end. He knew that one day he would loose interest in the stage and the music that he produced but he hoped it wasn’t anytime soon. He wouldn’t know what to do with his life if he did.

### 

“Hyung, try this!” Jiyong cried as he handed him the bottle. “It’s an early anniversary gift!”

Seunghyun didn’t know what it was, nor did he care. He would trust Jiyong when it came to alcohol. He put the bottle to his lips and his pulse rushed with warmth as the alcohol burned his throat. It was Legacy, he knew the taste anywhere. No one could forget a rum of such grand scale when being served it. How did Jiyong get ahold of it though, this wasn’t the type of rum they sold at this bar.

“Ji, where did you get this?” He could hear the slur in his voice and his focus became blurred as the man in front of him yanked the bottle out of his hand to finish it off. That was all the answer he was going to get from the drunken man. He was in his own little world now.

He laughed as he stood from the couch and made his way to the bar. Party goers tried to catch his attention as he passed through the crowed but he ignored the attempts. He was tipsy, not completely drunk. He intended to be completely drunk by the end of the night.

Finally reaching the bar, he called for the bartender to hand him another bottle of soju. He barely had time to open it before his hand was grabbed and he was dragged back through the crowed he had just fought to get through.

Taking a swig of his drink, he turned his head to watch the browned haired culprit drag him to the stage where Seungri was pumping the crowed. He was drunk, absolutely plastered. It was obvious by the amount of times he stumbled, never once falling all the way.

He allowed himself to be dragged onto the stage and took another swig of his beer before rapping along to GD’s part in Zutter, Seungri passed the mic along after opening with his part. The crowed was just as excited as he was as they jumped along with the music, Seungri dancing along to the music on the other side of the stage. He lifted the mic to his mouth to begin his own part but froze as GD came onto the stage to steal the part instead.  
Seunghyun laughed as GD danced his T.O.P dance and all was well. Daesung and Taeyang could be seen dancing along in the crowed, Seungri was dancing on one half of the stage and Jiyong was rapping in the middle. He wasn’t expecting the crowed to scream in horror or for his world to turn dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the reviews and Kudos. They mean a lot to me.


	3. Memories pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the review and kudos!

September 5, 2015

Alone.

That's how Seunghyun felt as he stared up at the hospital ceiling. He looked around his room. One chair stationed near his bed, a long couch pressed against the wall containing the one window, a closed bathroom and hall door on the other side, and a muted television with what looked to be an old black and white sitcom playing. The room itself was slightly depressing, it was cold and lonely. At least the walls weren't white, he hated white.

At least, he thought he did.

He had woken up a few minutes before realizing he was in the hospital. He had no idea how he got there. The only thing he knew for certain is that he had woken up alone in the hospital with no recollection on anything that happened prior to waking up.

“Ah, Mr. Seunghyun, you’re awake.”

He jumped as the doctor walked into his room, the heavy door slamming shut behind him. 

“You gave us quite a scare.” The doctor flipped through some pages on his clipboard before placing it on a small deck sitting under the hanging television. His Korean was staggered but Seunghyun was able to piece together what the doctor was saying. “We weren’t sure when you were going to wake up.”

Seunghyun said nothing as the doctor spoke. The doctor took his time pulling up a stool to sit next to the bed and he placed his stethoscope to his ears as he pressed the cold medal onto his chest. He tried to calm his breathing.

“What do you mean you weren’t sure. What happened?” His throat was dry as he asked the question. The doctor must have anticipated it. He stood as soon as he finished checking his heart beat to fill a small plastic cup up with the warm sink water. He took it with ease and drank it in one gulp. His throat felt a little better. 

“You may not remember due to the trauma but you were in an accident a few days ago. Lighting from a stage performance dethatched and fell. You ended up getting hit in the head in the process. Luckily, it’s was just your head and not the rest of your body or else you would be here a lot longer.” The doctor chuckled in attempt to brighten his sullen mood. 

It wasn’t funny, Seunghyun would never think it was. How could a doctor sit and laugh at his accident? One he didn’t even remember? And what did he mean by stage performance?

“We’re going to do an MRI now that you are awake to check your brain waves to make sure everything checks out.”  
His eyes remained glued to the doctor as he walked back to pick up his clipboard. He wrote a few things down before actually looking at his patient. The doctors smile grew at the look of confusion on his face. Seunghyun didn’t really understand what was going on, how could he? It hadn’t even fully registered that he was in an accident. 

“Your friends are out side. They wanted to be here when you woke up but that wasn’t allowed. I’ll let them in now. You’ll cheer up after seeing them.”

Friends? He had friends? He opened up his mouth to protest but it was too late. The doctor opened the door and 4 unfamiliar faces came into view. An orange haired man, a blond, and 2 brunettes walked into the room. Each hesitated to walk closer to the bed until the doctor reassured them that it was fine. Seunghyun was growing increasingly annoyed at the doctor. Why was his doctor so stupid?

“T.O.P-hyung, are you alright?”

T.O.P? Who was that? He thought that it was Seunghyun, could he have remembered wrong? What was the blond talking about?

“Yeah Hyung, you had us worried.”

Seunghyun would have scoffed if he didn’t think it was rude. For him to be so worried his smile said otherwise. Did he always smile like that? And why was his hair covering his face?

“Don’t ever do something like that again.” 

As if he had a choice. If he had a choice he wouldn’t be in the hospital, he wouldn’t be so confused on who these friends were.

He turned to look at the last visitor. Seunghyun half expected a statement or question from the orange head as well but he stayed silent. His eyes, however, spoke volumes. Genuine worry and care came through and he felt his heart speed up the longer he looked. He turned away to look at his doctor who focused on the clipboard. “Who are these people?”

Time seemed to stand still. The doctor finally removed his gaze from the clipboard to meet the gaze of his patient and the rest of the room stayed silent. Any questions or comments seemed to die with the question. Seunghyun fought to keep his gaze off of the others, he didn’t want to see their reaction to his condition. 

Slowly, the doctor spoke. “You don’t know who these people are?”

Seunghyun shook his head and glanced at the others through his side eye. Disbelief, sadness, and shock was written all over their faces. The only one who held a different emotion was the one who said nothing. Dread, grief, and regret were what he showed. It hurt Seunghyun to see him with that expression though he didn’t know why. He didn’t know the boy; he knew none of them. Why should he care, why did he?  
“Come on Hyung, you know us.”

The smiling boys voice cracked and he forced a laugh. He was expecting this to be joke. The laughter died when he realized it wasn’t. He wouldn’t lie about this, who would?

“T.O.P -hyung, you really don’t know us?” He shook his head ‘no’ again as his gaze lingered on the boy’s platinum blond hair. It was a weird color but it looked oddly good on the boy. “Okay, but what about him.”

Seunghyun followed the pointed figure and his eyes steadied on the silent one. Seunghyun should have just kept his eyes on the doctor. He didn’t like seeing the mans eyes tear up when he told them no. It hurt to see the disappointment. 

“Hyung, you don’t remember me?” His voice was cracking and but his gaze remained steady. Seunghyun could see is teeth clench. He didn’t like the crack in the voice. “Doc, I thought you said he was perfectly fine.”

“Yes, well. I wasn’t aware that he had lost his memory.” The doctor made his way to him and pulled Seunghyuns chin so that he was facing the doctor. Taking a small flashlight from his coat pocket, he flashed the bright light into his eyes and Seunghyun struggled to get away. It was uncomfortable and he didn’t like it. Not one bit. 

The doctor straightened his back once he was finished and looked around the room before heading to the door. “I’ll be back when the MRI is prepared.”

It was awkward when the doctor left, more so then when he was there. They all stared at him while he stared at the wall. 

“What are we going to do? We still have promotions to do.” The blond.

“Seungri, that’s not the problem right now.” The brunette with short hair.

“But hyung, it is the problem. What if we can’t finish promotions? What if he never remembers? What will happen to BigBang?”

“SEUNGRI! Shut up.” 

Seunghyun flinched at the raised voice. He didn’t know the brunette but he didn’t look like the type to raise his voice often. Then again, looks could be deceiving. 

“Hyung,” the smiling boys voice was soft as he spoke. He gently took the time to share the names and a little bit of information on each man surrounding him. 

He looked at the different faces as they were introduced and nodded in understanding. He felt better being able to put some names to the faces surrounding him. Seunghyun glanced at the orange headed boy and he sent a small smile in understanding. He might not remember their names later but he would try. It was obvious that they had been friends. “Okay but, why did he call me T.O.P?”

Daesung cautiously sat by the edge of the bed. His smile was strangely comforting. “T.O.P is your stage name, just like Taeyang is Youngbae’s, Seungri’s is Seunghyun’s, and G-Dragon is Jiyong’s.”

The room stayed silent as Seunghyun processed the information. Why did he need a stage name? He didn’t understand.

“We’re famous.”

It wasn’t the answer he was expecting. He was famous? He listened intently as the others began to explain to him about his self. It shouldn’t be as hard as it was. “Where’s my mom?”

“On her way here. She needed to take a shower at the hotel.”

He started loosing focus as they began ‘reminding’ about their group but he refocused as he stared at Jiyong. He was so quiet. He was probably as confused as Seunghyun was. A sudden thought crossed his mind, he turned back to the others. “Do I have a girlfriend?” 

For the third time that day he stunned his visitors into silence. Each member took a turn in glancing at Jiyong but none said a word. Seunghyun followed their gazes and stared at the man. He watched the other hesitate under his gaze and he wondered why. Was there a reason to be fidgeting? Maybe he shouldn’t have brought up a girlfriend. 

“Alight, the MRI is ready for you.”

Seunghyun nodded to the doctor as he stood from his bed with the help of Taeyang and followed the doctor out. 

He never got his answer.


	4. Regret

**_September 9 th,2015_ **

Photo shoots where terrible, absolutely terrible. It was awkward to stand in front of the camera as the light constantly flashed. How did they expect him to be okay with the black dots swarming his vision? How was he okay with this in the past? Why was there paint on his face?

 “Mr. T.O.P, loosen your shoulders, you’re too tense.”

 Easy for him to say. The photographer didn’t know what he was going through, none of them did.

 Seunghyun forced a smile as he struggled in getting his shoulders to relax. He was doing a shoot for a spread in Dazed October edition. He stood awkwardly with paintbrushes in his hands and a strained look on his face

 He didn’t know how they did it. He had seen videos of backstage interviews of BigBang but after watching himself for hours on YouTube, he didn’t understand why he was a celebrity. Sure, he was attractive, at least to the other members, but he was too awkward. His dancing was stiff and his stance was stiff. It seemed like there was no loose bone in his body.

 “You’re thinking to hard. Just relax and ignore the camera.”

 GD’s voice cut through his thoughts like a razor. Seunghyun took a deep breath as the orange tops eyes caught his and they both looked away. Relax, he says. Seunghyun would try.

 And fail, apparently.

 “This isn’t going well. We’ll pick up after break.”

 Seunghyun bowed his apology and the members sent him small smiles of encouragement and support. He hated it. He hated when they took pity on him.

 He moved to stand in front of the snack table as the members went their separate ways.

 He would rather them treat him how they normally would, even though he wasn’t the same person.

 “Do you want some water?”

 He was pulled from his thoughts as a cold bottle of water hit his hand. He smiled in thanks as he guzzled the drink. He was hot to the point of sweating but he knew he couldn’t ask for a wardrobe change. He had caused to many problems already and, from what he could tell, his celebrity persona didn’t appreciate showing skin. “Thank you.”

 Daesung nodded as he took the empty bottle from him and tossed it in the trash. He threw his hands up in the air as a cheer that the bottle went in the tin from such a distance. Seunghyun would have laughed as Seungri and Taeyang goofed around on the side but he was feeling to down to even do that. He was miserable.

 “Don’t stress to much about it, Hyung. Remember that we’re here for you if you want to talk. We came to support you, after all.”

 Seunghyun kept his eyes on Daesung as they stared at each other in silence. The genuine care that came from the other calmed his rapid heartbeat down enough for calmness to wash over him. He sometimes felt the same with the others but Daesung and Taeyang seemed to be the most genuine. He knew that Seungri cared but it was a little harder to understand him. Seunghyun had almost given up on understanding GD. “What if my memories never come back?”

 He hadn’t meant to ask and, by Daesung’s wide eyes, he hadn’t expected to be asked. It was a question he knew they all asked themselves. If his memories never came back, then the bond they once shared would be served forever and their dreams with BigBang would be over. They wouldn’t be able to take over the world with just 4, the dream was all 5.

 “I-“

 "Alright, I need to set my camera and adjust the lighting. Daesung, Seungri, can you help?”

 Daesung turned from him to say okay to the photographer before patting him on his arm and moving to stand back in front of the camera. It seemed to come so natural to them, the posing and the presence that was easily conveyed through the lens.

 “Hyung, are you going to be alright for tomorrows rehearsal?”

 It was Taeyang’s turn to console him it seemed. One thing he noticed about his ‘friends’ is that they rarely left him alone for to long. Unless he was sleeping or specifically asked for some space, he always had someone with him. “I don’t know.”

 Taeyang hummed at his answer and Seunghyun was grateful that Taeyang didn’t feed him a cliché line about how he would be fine in front of a camera, and fans, acting as though nothing was wrong, and rapping songs he was in the process of re-learning. He was much more confident with the newer material then the old but all songs still caused him stress. He didn’t want to make a fool of himself in front of thousands of fans.

 “I’ll help you with what you don’t know. We can stay up practicing all night if you want to.”

 He didn’t. He really, honestly, didn’t want to stay up till the wee hours of the morning practicing for a show that they were having for the next few weeks. He wasn’t looking forward to that. The look of anticipation on Taeyang’s face would force him to say yes though. Seunghyun was glad all of the music was written before he’d lost him memories. “Okay.”

 “T.O.P, breaks over.” The photographers gaze was irate. “Don’t mess up this time.”

 Seunghyun shared a look with Taeyang, who gave him a thumbs up, before making his was to the front of the camera. His shoulders tensed as GD turned on the groups music through the stereo by in the corner and Seunghyun wondered how many times GD had washed his hair to tame his red hair and if he was going to dye it again for the concerts.

 His eyes gazed as they connected with GD who offered a quiet ‘don’t stress this time’ as support.

 He allowed his body to move without thinking. From what he could tell, the petite man liked putting different colors and styles in his hair. It couldn’t be healthy for the silky hair and he hoped it wouldn’t damage his hair with the constant color treatments. It would be a shame to damage such beautiful hair. It would be a shame to damage any part of the younger man, in all actuality. Everything about him screamed beauty, from his hair, his skin complexion, and eyes, to his stature, frame, and stare.

 “Perfect, let’s move on.”

 Seunghyun snapped out of his musings at the sound of the photographer’s voice. He allowed wardrobe to give him clothes to change into after the photographer’s approval of shots. It blew by as a blur as his mind stayed focused on the younger man.

 “Come, hyung. Let’s go see the shots.”

 GD’s voice was small and void of emotion as he lead the way behind the camera to look at the shots. Shock was his initial reaction. He didn’t look out of place. He looked as though he had years in front of the camera, as though he was comfortable. He looked like T.O.P.

 He was almost ashamed that the naturality of the shots came from thinking of the man standing next to him rather then years of experience.

 “Hyung, you look amazing!”

 Seungri smiled wide and patted his back as he slipped in between them and Seunghyun was almost disappointed that GD’s warmth wasn’t the warmth he was feeling anymore. Seungri was warm but he produced a different type of heat. Seunghyun didn’t understand why.

 Seunghyun sent a shy smile in the boy’s way before slipping out of the others grip. He wasn’t comfortable with people touching him yet.

 “I’m glad that didn’t change.”

 Both men turned to look at the orange haired man whose gaze remained on the screen in front of him. Seunghyun followed his gaze and was nervous to see him staring intently at him. He was to scared to ask what the other meant.

 “What didn’t change?”

 Of course, Seungri would have no problem asking. The statement had nothing to do with him.“That childlike innocence.” GD turned to face him and Seunghyun forced himself to meet the gaze. Their eyes met and, for the first time since he woke up, a genuine smile greeted him. “Your look stayed the same.”

 Seunghyun felt his heart constrict in his chest and he wondered what was wrong with him. Why was he reacting to the other man so much? Why did the other man have such a beautiful smile?

 As if realizing he was staring for so long, GD dropped his gaze and rubbed the back of his hand against he cheek in attempt to wipe his sweat away. Seunghyun noticed the habit of the other man tended to display when he was nervous, or shy.

 “Hyung, did they come out well?”

 Seunghyun kept his gaze on the orange haired man as the new voice entered the area. It was Daesung’s voice, he still couldn’t tear his gaze away. He ignored the others compliments and jokes as they looked at the pictures he had taken.

 “Seunghyun, you want to head to the studio after we grab a bite to eat?”

 GD turned his gaze back to the taller man and Seunghyun felt his heart constrict again. The leader looked shocked to hear about him going to the studio. He assumed he never practiced more then he needed to before he had lost his memory.

 “You’re going to the studio? For what? You need rest.”

 It was their first performance in a few weeks and he had a lot of material to learn, he wanted to be perfect. He looked down to his feet before turning to Taeyang for help. The other knew instantly.

 “Ji, you know with his condition he’s nervous. We’re just going to run through it a few times before calling it a night. I’ll make sure he’s home with enough time to get a full night’s rest.”

 Youngbae laughed as he threw an arm over his shoulder and he tried to smile but he knew it came out awkwardly. He could only feel half of his lip tilt up and his eyes opened slightly more then normal. The looked seemed to work on their leader as he bit his bottom lip and crossed his arms across his chest in frustration. “Fine, I’m coming with you. There’s no way you can practice without me.”

 “Let’s all go then. We can rest tomorrow.”

 “Okay, It’ll be fun.”

~~

Fun was the last term he would use to describe the hell he just went through. He’d never realized how much of a slave driver GD was.

The choreography for _Haru Haru_ was simple and easy. He knew the words as though he had written the words himself. _Zutter_ , on the other hand, was on an entirely different level. He needed to call his mother a total of 8 times in the past hour to vent about how stupid and fruitless the song was. How was he supposed to dance when he wasn’t a dancer? They were just going to make him go on stage and make a fool of himself? Seunghyun huffed as he sat on the floor, his back leaned against the mirror. He watched as the others played a game of rock paper scissors and was thankful that they let him be. They must have realized how frustrated he was.

Taking out his phone, he pulled up his google app and typed in each member’s name, one by one, and read one random article on each member. “Taeyang, you have a girlfriend?”

Taeyang looked up in surprise from their game and a smile lit up his face. It was the first time Seunghyun had called one of them. He avoided calling them using personal names just like he avoided calling out to them. He didn’t want to get to close just in case he couldn’t stay with them. “Yeah, Min Hyo Rin. You’ll meet her soon.”

Seunghyun nodded his head before turning his attention back to his phone. Each article held gossip that he wasn’t sure he thought was true, or even cared about, but there was one article that he wanted answers to. He just wasn’t sure how to ask. Prompt and to the point was probably the best bet.

"Who’s Kiko?”

His eyes stayed glued to the phone as silence fell across the room and he felt 4 gazes on him. He did his best to keep his head low as silence surrounded them and the tension in the room slowly grew before disappearing all together.

 His eyes shifted up at the sound of shuffling feet against the hardwood floor.

"Bae, come with me to get some food.”

Jiyong moved to grab his jacket before sending a brief glance his way and leaving the room, Taeyang following closely behind.

 He never did get his answer.


	5. Understanding

_September 17, 2014_

 

“Kwon Jiyong, what the hell is this?”

 

The group looked up as the oldest member busted through the door. They each stopped what they were currently working on to observe Seunghyun walk up to Jiyong, who was currently seated in front of the desk with a notebook and pen laying abandoned in front of him, and slam papers onto the surface. 

 

They all watched with awaiting eyes as Jiyong slowly picked up the pieces of paper and shuffle through them one by one. It was hard to ignore the color in his face disappear with every slip he saw.

 

“Hyung, this is…” He didn’t know what to say.

 

Curiosity got the best of the remaining three members and they each moved closer to the man, one by one they passed through the papers, they were stunned at what they saw. Pictures that could cause a misleading if the pictures weren’t as they appeared. Youngbae was the first to break the silence.

 

“I thought you weren’t dating her?”

 

Jiyong leaned his elbows on the desk and laid his face in his hands. He didn’t want to deal with this right now. He had to many other things to worry about, like finishing the song he had been working on for weeks.

 

“Daebak, you’re dating a model. As expected of G-Dragon.” Seungri was impressed as he closely observed the picture of Jiyong’s hand cupping the right side of Kiko’s face.

 

Jiyong groaned and dropped his head to the table with a loud thud. It would be hard to dispel the rumors now. He shouldn’t have drunk so much that night, why was he an affectionate dunk?

 

“Jiyong, are you dating her or not?” Seunghyun’s voice was steel as he asked the question and the room fell silent. They hadn’t expected Seunghyun to sound so stressed about the situation, or upset.

 

The leader slowly lifted his head to slowly gaze into each of his member’s eyes before settling on the eldest. “We’re not dating. We’re just really good friends.”

 

The members shared skeptical glances and Seunghyun scoffed at the denial. “You say that but these pictures prove otherwise.”

 

Youngbae shared a look with Daesung before glancing between the two men who had yet to remove their eyes from one another. The tension between the two grew. It didn’t seem as though the picture themselves were the issue. “The pictures could have been photoshopped.”

 

Seunghyun cut his gaze to Youngbae before locking them firmly on the only member still in his seat. There was no way in hell someone was that good with Photoshop. They were to real and they happened in order. “Photoshop my ass, are you lying to us?”

 

There was a lot of things that Seunghyun didn’t like, but the thing he hated was being lied to by the people he held closest to him. He didn’t understand why Jiyong would keep such a secret from the men he previously lived with for years, he didn’t understand why Jiyong would date her.

 

“Why don’t you believe me? I’ve told you guys everything about past relationships, why would I lie now.”

 

“Because this one means more to you then the others.”

 

Daesung watching in silence as the banter between the two grew more heated as voices began to rise. He could understand where Seunghyun was coming from. They were all considered Jiyong’s best friend’s, his family, but if the man was dating the girl that he had constantly denied dating then he would have lied to them for almost 2 years. He couldn’t understand, however, why Seunghyun was feeling so intense about him dating Kiko. Something was off about the whole situation.

 

Jiyong’s eyes narrowed at the accusation. What was Seunghyuns problem? The man was never this confrontational about dating speculations before. Was is because there were pictures involved this time? “Does it matter if she is special? If I was dating her it wouldn’t have anything to do with you guys so why does it matter?”

 

Seunghyun eyes narrowed and his body tensed in agitation. “It doesn’t involve us, my ass. We’re a team, a famous one. Everything you do effects us as a whole and as individuals. Every scandal you’re involved in has something to do with us.”

 

Seungri didn’t like watching his hyung’s fight, it was like watching his parents fight, though it didn’t happen often. He would have normally made a smart-ass remark by now to dispel the tension but nothing would come out when he opened his mouth. The only time sound was beginning to leave his mouth Youngbae grabbed his arm to stop the sound from leaving fully. They needed to let this confrontation happen. Whatever Seunghyun was holding needed to be let out or else the older man would explode. Seunghyun held in too much and never released any of it. What was the man holding in this time?

 

“Who I date or not date doesn’t have anything to do with you, Choi. If I want to date Kiko, I can. If I want to fuck Kiko, I can. If I want to marry Kiko, I can. I don’t have to tell you everything about my life.”

 

“Fuck you, you piece of shit. You expect us to tell you when we’re dating but you won’t tell us?”

 

“Hyung, I don’t-“

 

“Stay out of this, Daesung!” Both sets of eyes cut to the younger man and he visibly recoiled. The authoritative tone of Jiyong cut like a knife and the intense glare of Seunghyun felt like a slap in the face. He released the breath he hadn’t meant to hold as the glares left him and settled back on each other. “Of course you have to tell me, I’m your leader.”

 

Seunghyun scoffed and a look of disbelief washed across his features. “So, we have to tell you because you’re our leader?”

 

His voice lowered in volume and Jiyong steeled his stance at the sudden change. He didn’t get why Seunghyun was making such a big deal out of nothing. Why couldn’t them man just let it go? Why couldn’t he believe him?

 

“Meaning all our relationship is to you is one of business?”

 

Jiyong narrowed his eyes to keep them from widening in shock. It wasn’t what he had meant but he knew it could be misinterpreted. If he was in his right state of mind he would have denied it outright and said they the men standing around the small table were his family away from home. He wasn’t in his right mind. “That’s right, it’s just business.”

 

Seunghyun jolted at the statement as though he had been visibly struck. He wasn’t expecting that answer, it hurt. His heart constricted in his chest and he knew as soon as he walked out of the room his breathing would become yielded and tears would follow shortly after. He couldn’t cry now; he broke the damn knowing he might not like the flood. He needed to know how Jiyong felt about them, about him. He needed to know if he should give up on the man or if he had a chance. He might regret the way he went about it later but he now had his answer.

 

“Ah,” the rapper let out an empty laugh as his eyes slowly lost all emotion, “so that’s how it is.”

 

Jiyong gripped his hands into fists as he felt the sorrow radiating from the quiet spectators. They didn’t deserve to hear something like that, whether it was meant or not. His teeth clenched as no words came to mind. He needed to fix things before things got worse, he didn’t know how.

 

“Hyung, let’s go get some food. It’s been a long morning, I’m sure you haven’t eaten.”

 

 Jiyong was grateful that Youngbae was there. He was going to diffuse the situation. Looking to the man he realized he was wrong. Youngbae was turned away from him, facing the tallest man in the room completely. Daesung’s head hung low and Seungri eyes were on the ceiling as though he was holding back his tears.

 

Shit.

 

Seunghyun finally turned his gaze away from their leader to address the question. He knew that his heartbreak was plain as day on his face when his eyes met pity. Youngbae was always good at reading between the lines, looking under the surface. It was one of the singer’s best qualities. He was the mother of the group, after all. He nodded his head before turning back to the man who stood stiffly in his spot.

 

“Leader Kwon,” Jiyong jumped at the voice. “As your business partner, I though you should know that these pictures are on the front page of a tabloid magazine.”

 

Seunghyun turned to leave, Youngbae pulling Daesung and Seungri behind them.

 

He collapsed back into his chair as he thought about what just happened. Why was Seunghyun pushing him so much? What was really bothering the man? It wasn’t normal for him to act so aggressively when a scandal happened with one of the members. He was normally the steady backbone of support, or the shoulder to cry on. He needed to find out why the man acted as he did, he needed to know.

 

After he made it up to his members.


	6. Longing

**_September 10, 2015_ **

Smoking was a great way to calm nerves, relieve stress, and take your mind of of things. He didn’t do it often but the stress he had come across in the previous week had caused him to light the cancer bud as though he was a beginner in smoking. A beginner who succumbed to the nicotine every time he craved it. A terrible addiction he probably wouldn’t kick.

 

“Wanna talk about it?”

 

A soft voice cut through his thoughts. Daesung made his way to him. He was sitting in the bench outside of the office. He had left the studio within minutes of being there. The air around him felt suffocated and no matter how well he put on his mask, he knew it would crumble. He was depressed, lonely, sad. He found himself wanting to stay in his home locked away in his room rather than attempting to remember how to write music, or hanging out with his friends, who knew little of his condition, who were constantly trying to drag him from his slump. It was a steep stump, quicksand really.

 

He didn’t answer the question.

 

“Ah, I guess I’m going to sit with you until you feel like talking to me.”

 

Seunghyun crossed one leg over the other and kept his gaze in front. He wouldn’t look at Daesung; his smiles were always too welcoming. He didn’t want to express how he was feeling, he wanted to keep them hidden away.

 

“Man, that smoke is strong. I’ll probably get cancer from second hand smoking.”

 

The taller man sucked his teeth at the younger man. He knew Daesung was just trying to get him to talk, he hadn’t spoken all day other than the standard greeting. He wasn’t in the mood to fake like everything was okay when it wasn’t. The only good thing is that most of his co-workers knew of his condition, the people he was closest to.

 

Boom nearly cried when she found out.

 

“Seriously Hyung, how come the smoking thing stayed? Nicotine too strong? You were a heavy smoker before you lost your memory.”

 

“If you don’t like the smell then go back inside.” he snapped. He hadn’t meant to and he regretted it instantly. Daesung had been nothing but nice to him but he kept doing things he didn’t mean. All of the members cared too much about a man who held no real connection with them anymore. He glanced at Daesung through the corner of his eye and was surprised to find the other man smiling in approval.

 

“Ah, I guess you’re still good with your words. Your personality didn’t really change at all, just what you remember.”

 

Seunghyun uncrossed his legs and tossed the cigarette bud on the floor, crushing it between the soles of his shoes and the concrete ground. He sighed, realizing Daesung wouldn’t go away. They really never wanted him to be left alone. “Why are you here? Go back inside.”

 

Daesung shook his head and his shoulders slumped. His voice was low and Seunghyun almost didn’t catch the words. “I don’t want you to be alone. None of us do.”

 

“I think that I’m a person that needs to be lonely.”

 

He hadn’t realized what he said until it was already out. His thoughts escaped more than he would have liked but there was nothing he could do about it now. He turned to Daesung to gauge his reaction only to be met with teary eyes. Seunghyun was as confused as he was shocked. He didn’t mean to make the other cry. “What’s wrong?”

 

He watched as Daesung bit his lip to keep the tears in. “You used to tell us that when we got on your nerves. You were always a loner, we didn’t want you to be.”

 

His breath caught in his throat as Daesung continued. “We’re always around you because we want to be around you. We care about your condition but the way we hover over you now is how we were before the accident. We know you like being alone but we don’t want you to feel lonely, there is a difference between the two.”

 

Silence settled between the two and Seunghyun didn’t know what to say. Daesung sat quietly at his side, neither said a word. Standing to his feet, Seunghyun put his hands in his pockets and turned to face Daesung. His eyes were clear again, Seunghyun turned to look away.

 

“Let’s go inside.” Seunghyun's strides were slow as he heard Daesung follow behind him. “You’ve been nice in keeping me company so I’ll buy you Doraemon to thank you.”

 

“Hyung?”

 

Seunghyun stopped as the other stopped behind him. He turned to see why the other had stopped and raised a brow in confusion. Why was the boy looking so confused?

 

“How did you know I liked Doraemon?”

 

He thought about it but he didn’t know the answer. It just came out. Was Doraemon something that Daesung really liked? Why did he know to say that? Did he remember that? “I don’t know.”

 

A wide grin broke onto the boys face. He looked relieved before excitement took over. Seunghyun knew exactly what was going through the boy’s mind. Happiness that he remembered something. The boy was getting his hopes up, his shoulders tensed at the revelation. If he couldn't really remember, then the boy would be heartbroken. “Let’s go tell the others!”

 

He didn’t want to. He wanted to keep it between the two. He didn’t want their hopes to be shattered if he didn’t remember anything about them. What if Doraemon was the only thing he remembered about them?

 

“Hyung, Daesung, were going to get some food, you want to come?” Taeyang's voice cut through.

 

“Hyung!”

 

Daesung ran to the others before he could stop him. He could hear his heart thumping in his ears as Daesung recalled what just happened. Collectively, they all looked surprised before turning into hope. The most hopeful, however, shattered his already hurting heart. Longing was in the light brown eyes that wouldn’t look him straight.

 

He ignored the others questions as his focused remained on that flick of longing. He didn’t understand why that looked disturbed him as much he did. Slowly, cautiously, he raised his hand to brush the hair out of the mans face, hesitating even more as the other mans head snapped up at the contact, ignoring the silence that fell over the group. He didn’t know why, but he just wanted to other to look at him. “Why won’t you look at me?”

 

Jiyong’s gaze flicked from one eye to the other, judging his motives. His hope was firm as he tried to get anything he could from him but slowly that hope diminished into disappointment. Seunghyun knew it would happen. The man wouldn’t find in him what he was looking for because it wasn’t there.

 

Forcing a smile onto his tiered face, Jiyong lowered his chin, effectively covering his gaze with his orange tresses. “Let’s go get some food.”

 

He never got his answer.

 


	7. Help

**_September 11, 2015_ **

 

“Choi Seunghyun, they finally gave you time to come home?” The woman’s smile was bright as she ushered him into her home. She was always bright when she saw him, he always felt a sense of security when he saw her.

 

“Mom, I came as soon as I had time.” He’d been spending a lot of time at his mother’s house, with his real family, when he wasn’t busy acting like T.O.P. When he was feeling down, insecure, tired, or depressed he knew that she would always be there to welcome him.

 

He followed as though he was her shadow as she moved around her home, doing various chores, handing him small things to do in the process. He took the small tasks gratefully and continued to follow her lead. It felt _normal_ to help his mother when needed. It’s what he needed in his life at the moment, normalcy away from the spotlight.

 

“So, are we going to talk about it?”

 

Seunghyun looked up from his spot on her bed. She was cleaning her room, dusting, folding clothes, vacuuming. He was looking through an old photo album as she did. He had offered to help many times but he was simply ordered to sit on her bed and to not wrinkle up the sheets. Parents were weird.

 

He watched as she put a jacket on a hanger. “Talk about what?”

 

“What has you feeling so down?”

 

Seunghyun bit his lip. He had come with a heavy heart to lay it out for his mother but he had been toying on how to deliver it. He hadn’t told her about any updates with his memory, he was worried about hurting her too. “How did you know?”

 

The woman came out of her closet, empty handed, and moved to stand in front of her child. She grabbed him in her arms and pushed his face into her chest. Seunghyun felt warm in the position, safe. “I’m your mother, Seunghyun. Of course I know.”

 

She rubbed his back before pulling away. Rubbing his check with sincerity that flowed through the touch, Seunghyun smiled sadly at the woman. He had too many feelings that were bottled up.

 

“Let’s go down stairs and I’ll make you some food.”

 

Seunghyun nodded as he rose to his feet, towering over the woman standing just in front. He followed her out of the room. “Can I have yanggeng, or ice-cream while I wait? They’re my favorites.”

 

His mother faltered on the steps on the stairs and Seunghyun barely noticed. He did it again, he realized. He subconsciously revealed a memory that he didn’t before it left his lips. It wasn’t happening often, or hardly at all, but he was scared of it.

 

They made it to the kitchen.

 

Seunghyun sat at the table as she got out the necessary items for the meal. The woman placed a bowl of ice cream in front of him as she started the rice and put some soup on the stove to heat up. He was finishing his treat when she served him a bowl of rice and soup. He wasn’t as hungry as he should have been but he would eat it with a smile. His mothers cooking was the best.

 

“I take it this is about your sudden memories?” It was said with an air of lightness around it and his mothers face remained supportive. She was always so supportive, it’s why he was so comfortable around her, regardless of having no actual remembrance of the woman.

 

“I saw my doctor today,” she nodded her head to encourage him to continue. He sighed and hung his head. “I remembered something about Daesung yesterday and I told my doctor. He told me that it was a good sign that I could be getting my memory back but also not to get too excited because it could be a long process or I could only be getting small memories back and the rest could be gone forever.”

 

He took a deep breath after the words were said. He kept his head hung until he felt a hand reach across the table cup under his chin, lifting in the process. His eyes met her loving gaze.

 

Her voice was soft. “Okay, now that I have the background, what is really bothering you?”

 

Seunghyun bit his lips, feeling his eyes water. He wanted to cry. He wanted to just rest his head on his mother’s lap and cry out all of his frustrations onto her. “What if I hurt them more than I already have?”

 

She wasn’t expecting his answer, the flicker of her eyes told him as much. She assumed that he would be worried about not getting his memory back, and he was, but he was more worried about how it would affect those who knew him before the loss. He was worried about his second ‘ _family_.’ A gentle smile lit up her face. “The same way you are worried about them is the same way they are worried about you.”

 

“What if I never remember them, or how things used to be? What if I never become T.O.P again, or what if I can’t act anymore?”

 

Though his worries affected him, he would manage. He was more concerned about the goals that the others would be forced to give up. The five becoming four, not all of them reaching the success that they each strived for since their beginning. Seunghyun didn’t feel that passion that he had before the incident, he had no memory of the feeling.

 

“Then you can re-learn. Your skill in rapping is a natural gift, you’ve always been good with your words. As for acting, you learned it once, you’ll be able to learn it again. The boys, before they are your members they are your family. They can put their dreams on hold while they support you because they love you.” Her voice was soft, calm.

 

 

“And then what about-“ He cut himself off. What about _Jiyong?_ Would he always look at him as he did? Would he keep avoiding his gaze? He hated that. He didn’t know why, but the thought of Jiyong’s look of pain remaining his designated look caused his heart to ach in ways unbearable. He still didn’t know why he received the look.

 

“What about ‘what,’ honey?”

 

He hesitated, biting his lip in the process. His head lowered once again before raising it ever so slightly, his eyes never leaving the table. “Jiyong.”

 

He flicked his eyes up to gauge her reaction before his eyes lingered over the grains of rice still on his plate. She was surprised, shocked. Her eyes were wide as though his name was the last one he ever expected to leave his mouth. He didn’t understand why people reacted like that when he brought Jiyong up, nor did he know why he always did it. What happened to them before the accident? What was going on between them? No matter how he tried, why couldn’t he remember?

 

“Have you spoken to him? About _anything?”_ Her voice was shaky as she spoke. She knew that he hadn’t spoken to the man, it’s the reason he brought him up. She knew something that she wasn’t going to tell him. She was telling him to talk to him so that he knew too.

 

“No, I haven’t had a chance. We’re never alone together.” Seunghyun played with the soup still left in the bowl, watching as the soup swayed from one side of the bowl to the other.

 

“Is that by choice?”

 

Seunghyun bit his lip, thinking about the question. He wasn’t avoiding the other man, not intentionally. It was more of the others always obeying around him, never leaving the two alone. Why was that? What were the others hiding? Did they do it on purpose or were they doing it because Jiyong had requested for them not to be left alone. Why could he not remember the boy?

 

His head began to ache the more he tried to remember what exactly was going on between the two. He had visions, dreams, memories of the five together. Smiling, laughing, writing. He had dreams every night with the others but he wouldn’t tell them. He couldn’t, he didn’t know what was an actually fantasy of desire or a memory.

 

He pressed his palm to his head as the ache sharpened. His breathing increased as Jiyong’s smile flashed across the darkness behind his dark eyes, he couldn’t remember closing them. His mother’s cries were tuned out by his hiss of pain, and the pain throbbed as the images changed. Jiyong’s tears, his look of frustration, his smile full of innocence. It all flashed and Seunghyun wanted to know the cause.

 

He needed answers.

 

His body slumped out of his seat, he felt his head hit something soft. Arms were wrapped around him and by the warmth he knew his mother had caught him before his body hit the floor. He screamed in pain as his pain increased tenfold, as if telling him to stop trying to remember. He wouldn’t though, he needed to know.

 

He’d get them when he woke up.


	8. Understanding pt 2

**_September 18, 2014_ **

Seunghyun sipped through the straw of his drink as Seungri droned on about his last conquest. He didn’t really care about who the boy had recently fallen for but he found himself acting interested anyway, and any good Hyung would. Instead, his mind lingered to the only member not sitting around the table for lunch.

 

Youngbae had called him late last night to see if he wanted to grab lunch with Daesung and Seungri. Had he known the lunch was going to be as dull as it was proving to be then he would have stayed home, in his bed, sulking about the missing member.

 

“So, are we going to talk about what happened yesterday?”

 

Seunghyun tensed as three sets of eyes snapped to him. His eyes lowered to his drink as he continued his slow sips.

 

“I don’t think he meant what he said. I think he was baited and reacted.”

 

The jab was fair, Seunghyun couldn’t be upset about it. In his own frustration he had baited Jiyong into saying things that he probably wouldn’t have said else wise, but it didn’t excuse the fact that he said it. Seunghyun had said it was a business before as a joke for the interview but his members knew that it was always a joke. Jiyong was in a serious moment when he said it.

 

“Regardless, he said it.” Daesung’s tone was firm.

 

Seunghyun eyes slid to Daesung who kept his gaze on Youngbae. Daesung would stick up for him just as much as Youngbae stuck up for Jiyong. Daesung turned to face him. “What I really think we should talk about is why you reacted like you did.”

 

Seunghyun flinched as the eyes made their way back to his hunched frame. He leaned up in his chair and straightened his back. “Because he was on the tabloid magazine.”

 

He ignored their looks of disbelief and turned away. He didn’t want to tell them about his feelings. He wasn’t ready to completely face them.  

 

“I don’t think so, hyung. I think it was something more than that.”

 

The rapper said nothing as the members shared looks among themselves. Seunghyun was aware of the secret conversation the three were having about him as they shared looks but he would let it pass. The others were confused, with good reason.

 

“Hyung, were you jealous?”

 

Seunghyun tensed in his chair, his hand freezing and his eyes jolting to the man’s. Was he jealous? Probably, more then likely. After thinking about his reaction to the scandal the day prior he had realized something that he should have realized years ago, he liked Jiyong. He wasn’t just upset about the lies, Kiko was a threat to their relationship and he realized it when Jiyong had neglected to tell them about her. It was as if he was protecting her. “Maybe.”

 

Looking down at the table, he avoided the gazes of the others. He didn’t want to deal with anything right now, he wasn’t prepared for it. He was used to knowing what he wanted and going for it but he wasn’t so sure now. He was confused and the questions would only make it worse for him.

 

“Can I join you guys?”

 

A new voice cut through the growing tension.

 

Speak of the devil.

 

Turning his head to the voice, his eyes narrowed as Youngbae made room for the leader.

 

“Business hours are over, or is this a meeting? I don't do overtime. Besides, I’m sure Kiko is waiting for you somewhere.” Seunghyun felt a small sense of satisfaction at the man's flinch.

 

The demeanor of the table changed completely with the jibe. Seungri looked depressed at the reminder, Daesung looked hopeful that the situation would get better, and Youngbae looked upset that he had brought it up before the man could settle in.

 

The look alone let Seunghyun know that the singer had invited his best friend to join them. It was a set up, what were the others planning?

 

“I'm sorry about what I said, I didn't mean it. I was upset and in my pride refused to back down.”

 

“It's okay Hyung, I'm not upset anymore.”

 

Seunghyun rolled his eyes, of course Seungri would accept the apology right off the bat. He was surprised Seungri was upset for as long as he was, he worshiped G-Dragon.

 

“Daesung, you know you’re my family right?”

 

The younger man glance at him. Seunghyun raised a brow in question. He didn't care how the other felt about Jiyong, all he cared about were his own feelings. If Daesung wanted to forgive and forget as quickly as possible then Seunghyun wouldn't hold it against him. He shrugged a shoulder as Daesung looked away.

 

“Yeah, Hyung. I know.”

 

Seunghyun took a sip of his drink as light brown eyes settled on him. They were glassy and the skin around his eyes were red. He was either sleep deprived or he had been crying. Mostly sleep deprived. Jiyong had the tendency to become restless when friction was introduced to the group.

 

“Hyung?”

 

Seunghyun rested his chin on his hand as gazes avoided him. Only two sets of eyes met his. Jiyong calling them business associates wasn't the problem.

 

“Hyung, you're not going to forgive him?” Youngbae voice oozed irritation.

 

Seunghyun held back an eye roll. If Youngbae had a problem with how things were now, then he should have cut in between their argument before it escalated.

 

“Daesung, what do I hate more than anything?”

 

The boy tensed at being addressed. The air turned stale as all emotion left his tone.

 

“When the people you care most about lie to you.” It was true, they all knew it. He didn't like being lied to in general but he hated it when he cared for the person. It caused a sense of betrayal in the man. He hated the feeling.

 

“Seungri, what did Jiyong just apologize for?”

 

Seungri fidgeted in his seat. He didn't want to be involved in the bickering. He hated when his hyung’s fought. “For calling our relationship business.”

 

Seunghyun nodded his head in approval, his head turning to face the men sitting across from him. “I'm not mad about him calling it a business. I had time to think about it, I know it wasn’t true, though it still sucked that he said it. I'm mad about constantly being lied to by someone who I care for.”

 

Jiyong groaned in frustration and rubbed his hand through his hair. “I didn’t lie to you. You would have been the first person I told if I was with her.”

 

The men stared in silence, contemplating the outcome of the conversation. Neither really wanted to fight again, not in a public setting, not with spectators. Seunghyun took another sip of his beverage as Jiyong ran another hand through his hair.

 

Realizing the conversation was going nowhere with spectators, Youngbae stood to his feet drawing attention. “You two need to talk. Come on you two, let's go outside.”

 

He watched as Daesung and Seungri sent them hesitant glances before following the dancer out.

 

“Hyung, you believe me, right? That I would have told you first if anything was happening between me and her?” He was pleading for the other man to believe him.

 

“I don’t think so,” his struggled to keep his voice as firm as it was in the beginning. He played with the straw to feign being uninterested and silently thanks YG for his acting classes. “If I remember correctly, who you date doesn’t have anything to do with me. If you want to date, fuck, or marry Kiko, you can. You don’t have to tell me everything about your life.”

 

Jiyong looked down at the table in shame. It was the first time he had bluntly said anything like that to Seunghyun. The two had a type of relationship where they told the other everything without worry about how the other would react. They were passed the point of being best friends. It’s how Seunghyuns feelings had started for the other man.

 

“I didn’t mean it. I was upset, we both were. I think this is the first time that we had a fight because of miscommunication.” Jiyong’s voice was soft as he played with a glass left by the others. 

 

It wasn’t miscommunication on Seunghyuns part, though. It was his jealousy breaking through the cement that Seunghyun had packed it under. He hated how he was feeling right now, he hated how he was making Jiyong feel. “I was jealous.”

 

As Jiyong raised his gaze, he lowered his. He couldn’t meet those chocolate browns yet. He would loose the nerve that he barely had. He wasn’t used to keeping his feelings pent up so he would no longer keep them confined. He didn’t know how Jiyong would react to what he was about to say but he would do it anyway. “I don’t like the thought of you dating someone.”

 

“But, I’ve dated others and you never reacted this way.”

 

Jiyong voice was shaky as he spoke, as if he wasn’t able to fully process what Seunghyun had just confessed. The taller man sighed as he locked eyes with the others. “It became a problem when I realized you might actually care for her.”

 

Silence settled between the two and Seunghyun could practically feel the wheels in Jiyong's head turning. Jiyong had always been aware when it came to Seunghyun. He didn’t know when the leader had started to understand him better as well as his own mother. They spent too much time together.

 

“Why?” His voice came out as a whisper and Seunghyun swallowed his fear.

 

What came next could make or break their relationship. If Jiyong accepted then they could move forward, if he was rejected then it would put a strain. He would have to risk it though. His heart thumped heavily in his chest and he felt sweat form on his palms. He straightened his back.

 

“I like you.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Minutes passed in silence.

 

 _Oh,_ that was it. Seunghyun felt his heart break at the silence that followed. It wasn’t a firm rejection but it wasn’t acceptance either. Taking a deep breath, he began to gather his things. He couldn’t sit there in the silence anymore. He wouldn’t wait for Jiyong to verbalize his rejection. Biting his lip, he kept his gaze at his feet as he said regarded Jiyong one last time. “I’m not mad anymore, I’m sorry for confessing.”

 

Seunghyun bowed his goodbye and walked out the door, the burning feel of chocolate eyes following him as the resturant door shut behind him.

 

He regretted it.


	9. Answers

**_September 12, 2015_ **

_It was a dream._

 

_It was a dream._

 

_It was a dream._

 

The words echoed in his mind as his consciousness returned. It had to be a dream, but it felt too real. The pain he felt by the rejection, the achievement he still felt now. It was too real to be a dream but too surreal to be fake.

 

He forced his eyes opened before slamming them shut. It was bright, too bright. He groaned as his eyes stung in at the irritation. Why were the lights so bright?

 

His head throbbed as he slowly tried again, his eyes adjusting this time. Looking around the room he wasn't surprised to find himself in the hospital. The pain before loosing consciousness was to sharp for him not too be. After loosing consciousness, his mother must have brought him in. She must have been worried.  

 

Waking up this time was different then the last, Jiyong was seated in the chair next to his bed while his mother slept peacefully on the couch near the window.

 

His mother, he had expected, Jiyong, not at all. After regaining consciousness, he wasn't sure how to face the other. Had that been what his mother was talking about? Did she know he had been rejected?

 

Seunghyun forced his eyes to meet light hues and he automatically turned his head away. The others gaze was too intense.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

The voice was scratchy, as though he had been crying. Turning back to study the man, he found the red undertone to the clear eyeballs. Jiyong had been crying. Bags hanging low under his eyes were a tall tell sign that he didn’t sleep either.

 

He nodded his head, afraid of how hid voice would sound.

 

Jiyong's eyes glazed and his hair covered his face. “I'll go get the doctor.”

 

The smaller man stood from his chair and slowly made way for the door. At the sight of his back Seunghyun head began to pound and his heart began to race. “Wait.”

 

Jiyong halted at the door, his hand on the handle, before turning back to look at him. He gulped.

 

“Stay” his heart beat erratically in his chest and he didn't know why he said it. The words came out without thought but he didn't like watching Jiyong walk away from him.

 

Jiyong smiled, a true smile, as the words reached his ears. Seunghyuns breath got caught in his chest. It was beautiful. He understood now, if it was real, why he had fallen for the man in the first place.

 

-#-

 

The doctor wasn’t his official doctor who was treating him and Seunghyun was scolded for not letting his memories return gradually, and for being irresponsible for a celebrity to loose his memories in the first place. Apparently his daughter was a huge fan of him who would be highly disappointed if her favorite celebrity was no longer about to actively be a celebrity. The lecture had gone nonstop for 15 minutes before his mother had cut in, voice oozing with irritation at the mans constant yelling at her child, with the instruction that the man had no right to lecture her child based on his personal feelings and that she would handle him accordingly upon his discharge.

 

His mother was frightening when upset. Jiyong tensed, hanging up the phone with the members as he kept them up to date, at the woman’s venomous tone while the doctor looked hesitant to hand over the discharge papers. It would have been amusing had his mother not leveled him with the same heated glare.

 

The first thing she had told him when the three settled in the car was that if Seunghyun ever scares his mother again then she would pull out his vocal cords and force him to jump road with them.

 

It made his throat hurt but he promised he would never worry her so much again. His voice was quick as if not to anger the already seething woman. Slowly, the woman relaxed in the passenger’s seat while he spread out in the back. He was tiered, drained even. Now and again his head would throb but he didn’t want to worry the others. He would take his medication when he got home.

 

Hopefully it would rid him of the pain.

 

 His eyes closed for the reminder of the ride as music of Jiyong’s humming lured him to sleep.

 

-#-

 

The next time he woke up was to his mother’s gentle call as she stroked his ruffled hair. She smiled as he rubbed sleep from his eyes, helping him out of the car in the process.

 

His body was sluggish as he made his way into his mother's house, he would be under her supervision for the rest of the week. He had started to refuse, wanting to go back to his apartment, but he was stopped by both his mother and Jiyong. Jiyong stating that the members would feel better if he was in the woman’s care, and his mother feeling the same.

 

“Hyung, do you want some water?”

 

Seunghyun nodded in approval as the smaller man disappeared into the kitchen. His mother had settled him in the living room, television on, blanket wrapped around him. She was giving him more attention then he appreciated but he let her do as she pleased. He said nothing as she followed Jiyong into the kitchen to prepare him a meal he wasn't yet able to stomach.

 

Jiyong handed him a glass of water and looked anxious as he downed it. It was the first time since the accident that the two had been alone in the same room. He glanced back to the kitchen and realized it was his only chance to ask the questions that he needed answers to.

 

His eyes watched carefully as Jiyong made himself comfortable on another couch, though he was still tensed at being stared at. Seunghyun didn't care at the moment. Things were about to get a little more awkward between the two. “I had a dream.”

 

Jiyong flinched at being addressed. He probably wasn't expecting the other to talk to him, just continue staring. Seunghyun hardly ever started the conversation, not since the accident. Jiyong cleared his throat, eyes remaining glued to the television. “What did you dream about?”

 

Seunghyun eyes studied Jiyong as he relayed the dream as best he could. Some parts were fuzzy but it was only some words shared during the fight the two had. Jiyong's eyes flickered to him as he tried in vain to calm his tense muscles, but the closer he got to the end of the story the more confirmation he received. It hadn't been a dream.

 

He liked Jiyong.

 

He was rejected.

 

His heart ached as his story ended. Silence settled between them and still, Jiyong refused to meet his gaze. He hated it, he couldn't take the other not looking at him. Sternly, authoritatively, he put base in his tone. “Look at me.”

 

Jiyong's head snapped to him in an instant. His eyes were glassy as he held back his emotion. Seunghyun hated the look. He hated it with every fiber of his being and he now knew the reason. Who else would want to see the person they like in pain.

 

He felt conflicted.

 

“I hate when you don't look at me.”

 

Memories of the days prior flashed through his mind, when he had first told the man to look at him. Jiyong’s fists clenched on his lap, biting his lip in the process.

 

“Food’s ready, come eat.” His mother's stern tone cut through the tension. He wondered if she had heard what he had said, or if she already knew. Her perfect timing told him that she had.

 

She stood by the doorway, watching the two get up. Jiyong grabbed his bag from the coffee table. “I should go. I have work in the morning.”

 

He didn't want him to go. Seunghyun didn't care if he had been rejected, he wanted to stay near the other man. He was confused by it but he knew what he wanted. His mouth ran dry as he was about to ask the other to stay. No words would come out.

 

“You'll do no such thing. I cooked with both of my boys in mind so both of my boys will eat.”

 

Jiyong hesitated, eyes cutting briefly to him, before putting his bag back down and moving into the kitchen, Seunghyun on his heels.

 

Seunghyun played with his food as his mother made conversation with Jiyong. She asked multiple questions about his previous schedules and how he was fairing with all the stress he was facing. Seunghyun listened carefully as Jiyong spoke with complete sincerity.

 

She wondered how the members were fairing and if they were helping her boy the way they should be. Jiyong had laughed and answered that they were doing there best. That the others were supportive and hopefully for a positive outlook.

 

They continued talking as though he wasn’t there.

 

It wasn't until Jiyong announced that it was getting late and he was leaving that Seunghyun realized why he felt his heart tremble when the man turned his back earlier at the hospital. He felt like the other was leaving him, he didn't want that. He longed for Jiyong even though his memories were limited. His feelings, the ones of the real Choi Seunghyun, had returned full force and he didn’t want to be apart from the one in his heart. Not yet, not right now.

 

Jiyong sent him a brief bye as the front door shut behind him and tears swelled up in Seunghyuns eyes. Heartbreak, from the memories of rejection or the man leaving, forced the tears over the edge.

 

Why did he like a man who didn't feel the same?

 

Why did he like a man who he hardly remembered?

 

Why didn’t the feelings disappear with the memories?

 

His mother lead him to her room and held him in her arms through the night as he cried himself to sleep.

 


	10. Depressed

September 13, 2015

His room was cold and he snuggled deeper into his comforter. He hadn’t left the bed since waking up and his sleep the night before had been restless. His mother only left him an hour ago to prepare breakfast for his father who was going on a trip with his business friends. His dad had attempted to get out of it after realizing how distraught his son was but his boss had told him it was a mandatory trip. No exceptions unless death was involved. Seunghyun knew his father was furious but there was nothing to be done. Seunghyun just wanted to be alone anyway.

Seunghyun tensed as his bedroom door opened slowly before clicking shut. Padded feet made their way closer to his bed and he felt a dip on the mattress as someone sat down. Seunghyun curled tighter into a ball on his bed facing the wall. He didn’t want to be bothered, he wanted to shut the world out.

“Are you up?” The voice was barely a whisper. It was a voice that was supposed to hold nothing but cheer. He remembered that.

“I heard my mom let you in.” His voice was groggy, strained. It was the first thing he had said since waking up all that time ago. He couldn’t even brink himself to answer his mother when she asked if he needed anything. 

“Your mom texted us, are you okay?” Daesung sounded worried and Seunghyun felt tears well up in his eyes. This was his best friend, he remembered that to. Daesung was someone he could talk too; did he talk to him previously about Jiyong? He must have, how could he not?

He sniffled in response and a soothing hand found its way to his back. Seunghyun wrapped his arms around himself tighter.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Sobs wrecked through the older mans body and Daesung just continued to rub soothing circles on his back. The smiling man said nothing as Seunghyun told him everything he remembered, from his relationships with the others, to his rejection from Jiyong. He spoke about how he wished he could remember every detail of his life and how he wasn’t even sure how to act with the other members.

Daesung listened by his side, as any good friend would, and Seunghyun was grateful that the other had come to check on him. He was feeling better as his tears subsided and the heaviness of his heart was lifted. 

They sat, side by side, on his bed. Hands were laced together between them as Seunghyun leaned his head on the others shoulder. They were silent as neither knew where to go from there. Daesung was probably thinking of what to say, Seunghyuns head was hurting from shedding so many tears. 

He never knew he could cry so much.

“Everything you told me, that’s all you remember?”

Seunghyun nodded his head. He didn’t trust his voice to verbally answer, not after hearing the cracks before he finished sharing his thoughts. His voice was his most prized possessions as an artist. He didn’t need to irritate his throat more than he already had. 

“When did your memories start returning?”

He had to think about it. His dreams had become more vivid with memories he knew weren’t dreams, and flashes of memories grew more consistent as the days moved on. His doctor had called it a good thing when he first addressed it the the professional, the doctor had stressed the importance of letting memories come back naturally. The only ones who knew were his doctor and his family. Daesung was be the first one outside of that circle to hear how much he remembered.

“Last week, sometime.”

He couldn’t remember when the memories started coming back but he was under a lot of stress when they first appeared. He had a hard time deciphering what was real and what was pure imagination. He learned with the help of his doctor what flashes were most likely memories, while his dreams were real if they involved feelings upon his awakening. He was often able to feel as though his dreams really happened. In other words, he would have to relay on his natural instinct for distinction. 

“So, you don’t remember anything from the past year.”

It was an observation, one Seunghyun would never have been able to make on his own. His memories were being recovered but he didn’t know how to place them. His timeline was in disarray

Daesung squeezed his hand in support and he looked up to the mans smiling face. “Hyung, I’m glad you remember.”

“Did you doubt that I would?” His voice was soft as tears welled up in the the younger mans eyes. It had been emotional for him, but as emotional for his members. From what memories came back, the five were a family. Though he didn’t know where he stood with Jiyong anymore, he remembered where he stood with the others. Seunghyun wished he could remember all of the good times they shared but those memories had yet to resurface. Only brief memories showing him how close they all were remained in his mind.

“I did.”

Seunghyun chuckled at Daesung and soon a comfortable silence settled between the two. Now that he remembered what he had before, Seunghyun missed moments like these. Sitting comfortably with his best friend after spilling all his worries. 

“What are you going to do about Jiyong-hyung?” Daesung hesitated in asking. The lowering in his voice told Seunghyun that the other knew it would be a sensitive topic to bring up even though the topic was the reason for his breakdown. 

Honestly, he had no ideas what he was going to do about it. Jiyong had been a mystery since he had woken up and he remained a mystery with a year of his life still gone. The only way he would solve the case of Jiyong would be to remember whatever he had forgotten. “I don’t know.”

Daesung hummed, releasing his hand and crawled out of bed. Seunghyuns eyes followed his frame as he stretched his stiffing limbs and smiled brightly at him. Daesung’s smile always cheered him up a little more. “Hyung, let’s go to the studio. You’ll feel batter after writing a few lines.”

Seunghyun hesitated in agreeing but the smile of hope begged him to do it. He didn’t want to go anywhere, and he was worried about running into Jiyong. He’d told Daesung many times that he wouldn’t know how to act around the other and none of those thought had changed in the last hour of telling the younger member. 

“Come on, the others probably want to see you.” 

The rapper weighed the pros and cons of going. The pros were that he could see Youngbae and Seungri and let them know the status of his memories, they would be happy for him and he could get an hour or so of practice of the songs he had remembered. Plus, seeing the member’s happy smiles was a pro in itself. The only two cons he could think of was seeing Jiyong and crawling out of bed. 

Seunghyun sighed as he slowly got out of the comfort of his bed. He shivered at the coldness of his room and grabbed a pair of clothes from his closet to change into. 

He just prayed that Jiyong wasn’t there.


End file.
